Monday, March 4, 2013

And......I'm back. It's #Mamavation Monday.

So I haven't posted in almost a year. Why? Because I quit. I quit fitness, I quit caring, and I quit fighting. Where did that get me? Oh, back to square one. I'm just as heavy now, as I was after I delivered my son, almost 3 years ago.

I got the on the scale last Sunday, and was mortified. 194.2 lbs.


5.8lbs away from 200. A number that I never, ever, dreamed I'd ever see. I saw it while I was pregnant, and I sure as hell didn't want to see it again. Let alone, not pregnant.

I was disgusted with myself. I cried. I'm crying now as I type this.

The fact is, I have a food addiction. It all started when I was little, I used to hide under the table and eat sticks of butter while my mother was in the shower. This was before she died, so I was 5, maybe 6 years old.

After my mom died, I turned to food and got chunkier and chunkier. Ultimately wearing "Pretty Plus" clothing, and stretch pants, because I just couldn't fit into anything my friends could wear. Something I would never wish on any child.

Once puberty hit, and all of my friends were thin, and now had boobs and butts for the boys to oogle, I decided that in order to love myself, I'd have to be thin. So I stopped eating. I'd have a snack size applesauce in the morning for breakfast, and then nothing. Sometimes, I would skip breakfast and only have a pack of Zebra cakes for lunch, and nothing else, all day.

Then I discovered the joys of diet pills and ephedra. I figured out that I could be thinner if I didn't eat and took the pills. Instant weightloss.

But since I wasn't eating, I started self-medicating, with substances other than food. At 13.

I started smoking, to be cool of course. And drinking, because it made me feel good about myself. And smoking pot, because it allowed me to live in a world without problems. And then sex, at 14, because I just wanted to be loved. Thankfully, I dated the same guy through all of high school and some of college.

This continued for a really long time. My "medication" benders would come in spurts. Sometimes I would be hammered or stoned every. single. weekend. Other times, I could go for months. I was a straight A student after all, so it was easy to keep my pain hidden behind a perfect report card.

When I left my high school sweetheart (if you could call it that--very volatile, abusive, relationship), and started dating my husband, he told me that what I was doing to myself was immature, and that he wouldn't put up with my behavior, as I laid drunk in my driveway on a hot summer night.

Once again, to feel loved, I adapted my behavior. And now that I wasn't drinking or smoking as much, I turned back to food for comfort. I didn't gain much weight, because I still had my occasional medication, to keep me sane.

A little over a year after my husband and I got married, I found out I was pregnant. That day, I dropped all of my "problem behaviors" and the eating began.

While pregnant, NOTHING healthy was appetizing. I lived off Mexican and Chinese food. Ultimately, I gained 60 lbs, developed gestational diabetes in my third trimester, and gave birth at 220lbs to a 8lb 2oz baby four weeks early via cesarian.

Today, my son is almost three years old. For the past 3 years, I've lost about 20lbs, and gained it back 3 times. It's disheartening.

In my last post in May of 2012, I wrote about my adventure in OA. Well, in the past week, I went back to OA because I just couldn't pull myself together. And that brought me back to Jesus. Whom, I have come back to and deserted several times over the past 3 years as well.

Jesus is helping. Reading my bible is helping. I've been tracking my food and working out for the past week as well. I know that's only 4 days, but I'm doing it. But despite my spiritual help, I really need a human support group as well. That's why I'm re-pledging Mamavation. I just can't do it alone anymore, and I need a group of friends that is going to stay on top of me--that I can be accountable to.


  1. Big hugs girl, glad to have you back.

  2. So glad you're back (and technically, I'm just meeting you!). This had to be a cathartic post for you. We're here to listen!

  3. Wow! Such a heartfelt post. Here for you on your journey back. Take it one day at a time. Will be praying for you.

  4. Hugs! Your story sounds so much like mine. Unfortunately I didn't stay with the same guy through high school and made a lot of stupid mistakes. But I WAS lucky I met my husband young (I was 19, he was 23) and he really straightened me out. I'm still battling my eating addiction, and probably will for the rest of my life. But I'm learning different ways to deal with it, and how to add healthy "addictions" into my life. Thank you for sharing your story, so brave and so helpful!

  5. Big hugs Lisa and welcome back. You know what this community is about and the support is here for you. Reboot with some simple baby steps adding them in one at a time. This is a process, you know all this. What are you starting with this week? Rest, water, walking? Pick something.

    1. This week I'm choosing water. I'm going to be drinking half my body weight in oz. of water.

  6. Thanks for sharing your story and coming black to your blog! I found you from BloggyMoms and I'm excited to read about your journey. Just remember that every day is a new one. Mistakes will be made, but you just keep going. Good luck!

    Clean Lean Mommy Machine

  7. Thank you for all of your support. I really appreciate it! I look forward to (re)getting to know all of you lovely ladies.

  8. Hey Lisa, we all fall off the wagon from time to time, and the best part about our group is that we are always happy to have someone come back. There's no judging - none of us are perfect! I'm glad that you've been able to find solace and comfort in OA and that it's helping you and that it led you back to Jesus. You sound like you're starting to get into a better place, and that's awesome.

  9. Wow..

    I've only come to join Mamavation and I haven't pledged, I'm still figuring things out.

    If nothing else comes from it however, I am happy to have found my way to your blog.

    This post was real and I am in awe of you for being able to share so many personal things.

    You don't know me but I am going to support you so much you'll get sick of me!